Feelings

Poem:

Aren't you sick of hurting me?
With all those stupid lies you feed
Haven't you caused me enough pain?
Shattered hope and made my heart bleed

Aren't you sick of breaking promises
Setting my hopes so high
It's like you're playing some stupid game
How many more times are you gonna make me cry?

The biggest mistake belongs to me
I keep coming back for more
How much you mean to me
Is something I just can't ignore

You're like a drug that I'm addicted to
A Habit I can't break
But the side effects you're giving me
Are too much for me to take

Sometimes I get a little hope
That maybe you will change
For once just follow through
But I know it'll never be that way

Like a drug that I'm addicted to
This hurt I can't ignore
But again I'll make the biggest mistake
And I'll keep coming back for more

I did not write this poem, but its exactly how I feel right now. I feel sad, empty, and alone. I know my change was needed, but I never knew i'd loose so much more because of it. Maybe I don't need you, maybe I do. All I can say is, don't say you never knew me or that you don't know who I am. We were friends & I hope we still will be. Deny it or accept it. Your choice.

Some thoughts before you die..

So in English Class we're reading "A Lesson Before Dying." Well I can't really focus in English, so I wrote this poem. It, in a way, relates to the book & Jefferson, the main character. I thought it was a really good, reflective book. Comment on my poem ( :

What if I die today,
and leave this earth for good?
What if I die today,
have I done the best I could?

What if I died today,
would it matter how I dressed?
What if I died today,
have I done the very best?

What if I died today,
have I fufilled God's plan?
What if I died today,
would Jesus be my fan?

What if I died today,
would my grades have even mattered?
What if I died today,
would my friends and family be shattered?

What if I died today,
would how I looked remain?
What if I died today,
would everyone be in pain?

What if I die today,
because you never know..
When your time is coming
only God can should make you go.

Untitled

So yes, I know I haven't blogged in FOREVER, but my life has been kind of busy. I've been bouncing from one group to another, one party to another, and from one fight to another. I'm actually grateful for this. I love having many groups of friends. I have tons of people I can depend on and tons of people to talk to things about. One group I can have a blast with. The other, I could cry on their shoulders all night. One group I could be a dare devil. One group I could be a "goody-good angel." One group I can talk about sports all night. One group I can just be myself. Maybe this is a bad thing, maybe it's a good thing. I really do not know. Is it testing who I am? Is it a denial of self worth, personality, and life? I am unsure. Maybe I really don't know who I am. Maybe that's okay. Maybe its not. Will I ever find out? I know I said I hated this earlier, but things change. I guess it is just up to time to tell.

I'm done

So if I have to leave you,
I want you to know that in the end,
It wasn't because I stopped caring.
It was because you stopped being a friend.

Best friends are like diamonds, *PrEciOuS* and *RaRe* False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.


False friends are like our shadow,
keeping close to us while we walk in the sunshine,
but leaving us when we cross into the shade.

 Sometimes growing up
means growing a p a r t.
Best friends are like bread knives,
they can help you lots but they can hurt you badly too.

Notice: there actually is an end in friendship.

Conflicts

Have you ever been stuck in a situation where you don't know where to go or who to choose? Have you ever felt like you were being pulled by two sides on different sides of the rope (Like tug-o-war)? Have you ever not known who or what group you belong to? Who your best friends are? Who you enjoy hanging out with? Who you don't enjoy hanging out with? Who you wish you could hang out with? Who you want to stay away from? Who you want to be friends with, but can't be? Well, apply me to all the above. I'm dealing with all these conflicts.

I must say this year has been overall way better than freshman year, yet something is still wrong. I don't know where I belong.

Freshman year I always sat and hung out with my friends from grade school. There are twelve of us and we usually all got along great. Things changed over the year, as well as summer.. and I was okay with that. I knew things were going to change, that was expected. I, in  away wanted change, but never expected it to come so bluntly and so rudely. Don't get me wrong, I made tons of new friends..but our high school has 'cliques' like many others, and once you're in..it's hard to get out. It's kind of like an entrapment. Many want out, but feel as if they are stuck in. Does that make sense? Anyways.. Back to my friends from grade school. Over freshman year and summer, certain people in our "group" started forming smaller cliques and left some of us out. This meaning we weren't invited to parties or other events like we usually were. They also started treating some of us like we were nothing. My best friend and I got tired of this super quick and realized they weren't worth our tears or ruining the rest of our high school years. We knew we had to change groups and do something about it. We did.
For the first two weeks of sophmore year, we did sit with them again just to see if anything would change; it didn't. We, therefore, decided to start sitting with a group that we had become friends with through school, as well as a friend we have known for a long time (grade school). This is where my major dilemna comes in..
I must say, I do enjoy hanging out with this group, yet I am very hesitant about it. My best friend always sits with them, yet I miss sitting with my gradeschool friends because I still hang out with two of them who were put in the same situation I was just never moved on. Why am I so hesitant about this group? Well one girl in the group goes against what i am trying to do. This may not make any sense to you, but it is a huge deal to me. I cannot eat when I am around this certain person. We've done some regretful stuff together, but I am trying to recover right now from my stupidity of a so called ED. I've never told anyone this, but she makes me want to not eat. I hate when people don't eat becaue it makes me feel like I shouldn't.

Besides that, I feel like this group of girls are WAYYY too smart for me. AP & Honors are all they talk about. I hate sitting there being just a CP student in geometry and anatomy, when they are in Pre-cal and chemistry. I hate the feeling of being lower than someone && I HATE HATE HATE being compared to my friends. (Maybe this is why I want perfection so so bad?)

So the questions is, gradeschool friends or new friends? ...umm, well there is another group I sometimes sit with. I met this girl last year. We were in all the same classes and even homeroom. She has been nothing but nice, understanding, and a good friend to me. We work together on every project and homework assignment. We've hung out a couple of times and both said we want to hang out a lot more this year. I like sitting with them, but again I am afraid because of Eddy. Eddy is my fear of eating in front of people I don't know. This girl knows I have very odd eating habbits & all her friends think i'm anorexic..which is why I HATE sitting with them. Her close friends are super nice and care about me, but her "other" friends that sit at her table (she doesn't really hang out with them) sort of look down upon me. It's annoying. Mind your own business? Thanks...(:

Maybe if I got over Eddy none of this would be such a hard decision? Maybe i'm attatched to my gradeschool friends because I'm not afraid to eat in front of them? Maybe it's because they know me super well and I don't have to hide anything? Maybe that's not it. Maybe it's because we've had so many great memories and I can tell them anything (this is the two others who were in the same situation I was). Maybe it's because we ARE best friends. Maybe it's the feeling that I do belong. I'm not exactly sure....

I honestly can't handle this anymore though. I thought it would be okay to sit with one group one day, and the other the next, and so on..but it isn't working. I get invited places, but often miss out on other things. I often feel lost in all the conversations & I honestly don't know where I belong. I feel like i've lost control of everything and everyone. Everything is changing and I don't know how to handle it. Who do I belong with? Who are my true friends? Was this meant to happen? Do I really want change? Is my best friend really my best friend? Are my true friends really my true friends? Do they really understand me and my problems? Do they really care?

I just wish all this could be solved easily & I wouldn't have to worry about it every night. Until then, I guess i'll just deal with the confusion, changing of groups, and the stress of where I belong. I'll find the answer one day. I hope that is..I mean, everyone belongs somewhere right? I mean yes I've got friends and family, but something is still missing.

What am I going to do for parties, dances, and clubs? Who do I go with? Who do I invite? It's SO hard being in three groups. HELPPPP, gah.

Sorry for this long rant, but I had to get it out of me. If this makes no sense at all, I also appologize. Feel free to comment. Thanks.

Peace & Love,

Annabella Zee.

Be thankful for what you do have and the live you do live

http://www.oprah.com/showinfo/An-Oprah-Show-Exclusive-One-Mom-20-Personalities

All I can say is wow. Oprah, you really made me think. Please watch this preview & read some comments. I'll post the whole episode later.

*Annabella Zee

My Weekend

What is my favorite time of the year? Now. I love when I can easily slip on my sweats and a sweatshirt and feel comfortable. I love when its just a bit chilly outside and I can snuggle with my blanket all daylong. Why else do I love this time of the year? Shopping! Club volleyball! Halloween! Thanksgiving! Christmas! SNOW! Something about this time of year makes me estatic! Maybe its the cool breeze that brightens my day- or the gathering of friends or family- or maybe even the tasty treats (healthy of course) [;

But besides that random blabber above, you're probably wondering why I titled this "My Weekend." Well...

Yesterday my mom and I went for a walk before dinner. I usually run, but I'm not allowed to until my thigh feels better. So I thought it'd be nice to just walk and "bond" with my mom. We started out talking about guys in my life. I'm not very open to telling her about the guys I talk to and like yet, but she always seems to know. ("Mom's know everything") The conversation then went on about school and friends. Then we somehow stumbled upon life. I think this may have came about because of our World Cultures discussion. I believe I was telling my mom about John O' Neil and how he might have been able to prevent 911. Well this whole conversation turned into...
"Why didn't anyone listen to John? Why does God allow us to choose our own wills? Why do people choose evil/ the devil? Why is there so much evil in society? Are we all going to die?"

Later came about..

"How did God get here? How could you possibly not beleive in God? Who created God? What is Heaven like? Is Heaven above? Will I go to Heaven? Am I living correctly?Why are we here? How can we talk, move, breath? How can we understand each other? Why does the brain tell us what to do and say 10 seconds before we do it? Why am I girl? Why do I live where I live? Why do I have certain abilities/disabilities? Why am I wealthy/poor? How does the telephone work? How did people find this out? What was the person doing to figure things out? Who came up with math and science? WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?!

I honestly think I bugged my mother beyond belief. Did she have all these answers for me? No. What was her response?

"Life doesn't always make sense. You never know what's going to happen, or why something happens. You just have to have faith and believe in God. Everything happens for a reason. Live your life the way you want and forget and move on from your mistakes. Don't waste your life studying or worrring over the little things. You need to have fun and live life to the fullest."

I must say, this walk really brougt me closer to my mom and made me realize some things. It was the perfect weather for a walk as well as the perfect person to walk with.

You know, we all wonder about things. We also worry about things a lot, but why?

Just think..
ARE YOU REALLY LIVING YOUR LIFE? Have you ever thought about life? Deeply? Maybe you should. Maybe you aren't living. Stop worrying, start living.

Just think...

"What if...?"

*

"It's not whether you get knocked down; it's whether you get up. If you are going through hell, keep going."

Perfection

Why do we strive for perfection? Why do we try for physical or impossible perfections? Is it because we set our bars too high? Do we only want the best? Can we not see that everyone and everything has flaws?
Is it a utopia that we dream of? Or is it a nightmare we live in hoping to escape? Why..Why do we push ourselves the limit?

I am perfect. Everything I do is perfect. She is perfect. His body is perfect. That dress is perfect. I want to be perfect.

Is perfection even possible? No. We strive for perfection for many reasons. We want the ideal image.
Why strive? It only causes stress, doubt, lack of self confidence, and so on...

We also want to "beat" others. Competition. As well as be the best internally. We think being perfect would solve everything. It won't.

Trying to be perfect, caused a huge uproar in my life. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted the best grades, body, friends, image, and so on... Mainly, I wanted to feel good as who I was. I didn't though and thats when things went bad. I did many things I regret and caused enormous amounts of damage today that i'll live with forever. I still live with one & fight it everyday. Its a struggle, but its getting better. I've learned from my mistakes and came to a realistic view of life and myself. Perfection is no long what I want. It's something I try to stray away from. Happiness and my eternal effort is what I want now. Something more realistic. Set your goals high, but keep realistic views in mind. Keep your head high and know perfection doesn't exist. Only God achieves that.

Why not just be happy with your life? Be satisfied. Just try your best. Nothing is perfect. Learn from your mistakes and move on. Life's a journy with many winding roads, just try your best to stay on track and follow the right route. Everything happens for a reason.

Tata for now.

Annabella Zee (:

Deep & confused. Why did I write this?

In the mood for a deep poem? Here you go.

This girl wants out

But something's holding her in

She screams and shouts

But  no where near winning

She's lost and confused

Not knowing where to go

Feels like she's been used

She just goes with the flow

When will this be done?

When will she be okay?

She's about to run

And be gone any day

So, there is another poem I wrote last year. I really don't remember writing this, nor do I remember why I wrote it so depression like. I guess this poem speaks for itself and how I felt. But, i've changed thankfully. I won't update tomorrow, so read this post like it's Sunday.

Adios!

Poem for thought

Today i'm going to share a poem I wrote last year.

I see fear and shock ahead

The act of regret and self doubt

The worry of the world

The needed will to change

The love and passion held dearly

The hope  and courage to move on

The shamed and frightening ending

The wonder and pain of the outcome

The sorrow and happiness it desires

The mirror tells truth- my reflection

I wrote this last year in my english class. It means a lot to me. When I wrote this I was going through a lot & was in a way very upset with the outcome of my life. I've moved on though & am very happy now a days. What does my poem mean to you?

How fair is life?

How fair is life? You could look at this question in many ways. You could approach the topic of racism. You could ask how fair is God towards you, how your family treats you, or how others treat you. Was it fair that your teacher yelled at you for talking when the whole class was talking? Is it fair to be called stupid because your different colored? Is it fair that your older sister gets more privellages? Is it fair that you didn't get the job you wanted?
While many of us say this is all unfair..have we ever thought about the real important, unfair things? Losing a love one. Being diagnosed with cancer. Losing your house in a fire. How fair are these things? Well today I want to discuss the fairness of being sick.

Is it really fair to have to live with an illness that may disable you in certain ways? Or do those disabilities make you stronger? Is it worth living with? How does illness change you? How does it affect your family and friends and community? Do they come together? Separate? Do they find it fair?

I'm writing this because today in my english class we're discussing the fairness of life & dying. But It makes me think of two people I know diagnosed with certain illnesses. Cancer and Diabetes. These both can kill.

Mainly, I'm just greatful for my life. If you think your life is unfair, just think of what other people go through everyday.

Well it's almost time for lunch. Sorry if I jumped around in my blog a lot. I'm a beginner who just likes to reflect and write down my thoughts.

Peace out!

Annabell Zee *