Conflicts

Have you ever been stuck in a situation where you don't know where to go or who to choose? Have you ever felt like you were being pulled by two sides on different sides of the rope (Like tug-o-war)? Have you ever not known who or what group you belong to? Who your best friends are? Who you enjoy hanging out with? Who you don't enjoy hanging out with? Who you wish you could hang out with? Who you want to stay away from? Who you want to be friends with, but can't be? Well, apply me to all the above. I'm dealing with all these conflicts.

I must say this year has been overall way better than freshman year, yet something is still wrong. I don't know where I belong.

Freshman year I always sat and hung out with my friends from grade school. There are twelve of us and we usually all got along great. Things changed over the year, as well as summer.. and I was okay with that. I knew things were going to change, that was expected. I, in  away wanted change, but never expected it to come so bluntly and so rudely. Don't get me wrong, I made tons of new friends..but our high school has 'cliques' like many others, and once you're in..it's hard to get out. It's kind of like an entrapment. Many want out, but feel as if they are stuck in. Does that make sense? Anyways.. Back to my friends from grade school. Over freshman year and summer, certain people in our "group" started forming smaller cliques and left some of us out. This meaning we weren't invited to parties or other events like we usually were. They also started treating some of us like we were nothing. My best friend and I got tired of this super quick and realized they weren't worth our tears or ruining the rest of our high school years. We knew we had to change groups and do something about it. We did.
For the first two weeks of sophmore year, we did sit with them again just to see if anything would change; it didn't. We, therefore, decided to start sitting with a group that we had become friends with through school, as well as a friend we have known for a long time (grade school). This is where my major dilemna comes in..
I must say, I do enjoy hanging out with this group, yet I am very hesitant about it. My best friend always sits with them, yet I miss sitting with my gradeschool friends because I still hang out with two of them who were put in the same situation I was just never moved on. Why am I so hesitant about this group? Well one girl in the group goes against what i am trying to do. This may not make any sense to you, but it is a huge deal to me. I cannot eat when I am around this certain person. We've done some regretful stuff together, but I am trying to recover right now from my stupidity of a so called ED. I've never told anyone this, but she makes me want to not eat. I hate when people don't eat becaue it makes me feel like I shouldn't.

Besides that, I feel like this group of girls are WAYYY too smart for me. AP & Honors are all they talk about. I hate sitting there being just a CP student in geometry and anatomy, when they are in Pre-cal and chemistry. I hate the feeling of being lower than someone && I HATE HATE HATE being compared to my friends. (Maybe this is why I want perfection so so bad?)

So the questions is, gradeschool friends or new friends? ...umm, well there is another group I sometimes sit with. I met this girl last year. We were in all the same classes and even homeroom. She has been nothing but nice, understanding, and a good friend to me. We work together on every project and homework assignment. We've hung out a couple of times and both said we want to hang out a lot more this year. I like sitting with them, but again I am afraid because of Eddy. Eddy is my fear of eating in front of people I don't know. This girl knows I have very odd eating habbits & all her friends think i'm anorexic..which is why I HATE sitting with them. Her close friends are super nice and care about me, but her "other" friends that sit at her table (she doesn't really hang out with them) sort of look down upon me. It's annoying. Mind your own business? Thanks...(:

Maybe if I got over Eddy none of this would be such a hard decision? Maybe i'm attatched to my gradeschool friends because I'm not afraid to eat in front of them? Maybe it's because they know me super well and I don't have to hide anything? Maybe that's not it. Maybe it's because we've had so many great memories and I can tell them anything (this is the two others who were in the same situation I was). Maybe it's because we ARE best friends. Maybe it's the feeling that I do belong. I'm not exactly sure....

I honestly can't handle this anymore though. I thought it would be okay to sit with one group one day, and the other the next, and so on..but it isn't working. I get invited places, but often miss out on other things. I often feel lost in all the conversations & I honestly don't know where I belong. I feel like i've lost control of everything and everyone. Everything is changing and I don't know how to handle it. Who do I belong with? Who are my true friends? Was this meant to happen? Do I really want change? Is my best friend really my best friend? Are my true friends really my true friends? Do they really understand me and my problems? Do they really care?

I just wish all this could be solved easily & I wouldn't have to worry about it every night. Until then, I guess i'll just deal with the confusion, changing of groups, and the stress of where I belong. I'll find the answer one day. I hope that is..I mean, everyone belongs somewhere right? I mean yes I've got friends and family, but something is still missing.

What am I going to do for parties, dances, and clubs? Who do I go with? Who do I invite? It's SO hard being in three groups. HELPPPP, gah.

Sorry for this long rant, but I had to get it out of me. If this makes no sense at all, I also appologize. Feel free to comment. Thanks.

Peace & Love,

Annabella Zee.